The Zombie Plan (Planning To Fail)
Hello Star Wars the Clone Wars fans! Gone Rampant here, back on the Clone Wars fanfiction with a parody or the Red Vs Blue PSA, Zombie Plan! Or rather, some laughs, since I bought a guarantee for twenty billion euro that this fanfic will provoke you to: (A) Smile. (B) Laugh. (C) Want to kill me*.
*Guarantee only has 0.0000000000000001 success rate.
Anyway, there's OCs. Sorry, this was back when I thought I was cool for doing that, because screw using the expanded Star Wars character list!
Other than that, I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own Marikane Cananvi, Cardak Onsali and Carter, LucasArts owns the Star Wars Universe, I'm just playing in their sandbox, Rooster Teeth owns the original Red Vs Blue PSA, and, well, zombies own themselves.
Anakin was bored, and needed to focus his boredom into something creative. It then hit him like a shotgun blast: He'd pass the time by insulting his master's intelligence.
"Hey Master", he calls out to Obi-Wan as he passes by Skywalker's room. "Nobody likes you."
Obi-Wan's snarky comment died in his throat as he turns to Skywalker, raising an eyebrow.
"What are you talking about, everyone likes me," he countered, feigning surprise.
"Yeah, everybody hates you. You don't fit in," Anakin says honestly.
"Oh, here we go again. You're going to insult my ginger hair, aren't you? And also, I think I fit in just fine," Kenobi says tiredly.
"Really?" Anakin says, holding back a scoff.
"OK, then let me ask you this, Master. What's your Zombie Plan?"
Kenobi looks flatly at his former Padawan, thinking he'd gone mad. "My what?" He asks after a moment of silence.
"There are two kinds of people in the galaxy, Master," Anakin says completely seriously. "Those who have a plan for when the flesh eating horde of zombies take over the Universe, and those who don't. I like calling those last people, Dinner."
"Nobody does that!" Obi-Wan exclaims.
"They do! My zombie plan is to go to Hoth with Senator Amidala, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like Corpsicles, its brilliant!" Anakin says cheerfully.
"Nobody thinks about stuff like that! God, why did I leave you alone all day with a copy of Dead Rising when you were younger?" Obi-Wan says, putting a hand to his forehead.
"OK then. Hey, Snips!" Skywalker calls out a window to the hanger below, where Ahsoka is fixing the Twilight after Anakin somehow crashed it when touching down after a recent mission (*CoughHeWasDrunkCough*).
"What?" Tano calls out, annoyed.
"What's your zombie plan?" Anakin continues.
"I've two weeks' worth of supplies hidden under a floorboard in the Twilight," she replies instantly. "I'm gonna grab Barris and hightail it into deep space." she finishes.
"What?" Obi-Wan begins, but Anakin continues, "But what happens when the two weeks are up?"
"Oh, I'm keeping that to myself," Tano says wryly. "I don't wanna risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm gonna do."
"Oh come on!" Kenobi exclaims, but Ahsoka interrupts him.
"You still gonna do Hoth, Skyguy?"
"You know it!" Skywalker responds.
"You'll never make it Master," Ahsoka says, shaking her head. "The major Hyperspace lanes will be chocked up with ships from major population centres like Coruscant. It's gonna be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck."
"Well, I'm just gonna have to take that risk," Anakin states firmly.
"Good luck to you Skyguy," Tano says, saluting him.
"Good luck to you to, Snips."
"Are you two brain-damaged?" Obi-Wan asks, confused.
"Hey, what's with all this bullshitty noise and yelling," Marikane says as he comes in, annoyed.
"Oh, Marikane, thank God you're shown up," Obi-Wan says with wonder in his voice.
Marikane simply raises one of his eyebrows before Kenobi continues.
"Do you have a," at this point he clears his throat dramatically at makes finger quotes, "Begin quote, "Zombie plan," end quote?"
"A zombie plan? Of course I don't have a zombie plan, that's crazy!" Marikane exclaims, an appalled expression on his face.
"See, I told you-" Kenobi starts, before Cananvi interrupts him.
"I have fifty one different zombie plans," Marikane says completely honestly, with a hint of smugness.
Ahsoka lets out a loud whistle from the hanger, and Anakin smiles like a wolf. "Wow, now that's preparation. Well done!" he says. "I am seriously impressed, Marikane."
Anakin goes to high five him, but Marikane punches him in the face.
"Don't be, Mophead," he says, shaking his fist to get feeling back into it. "In fifty of the fifty-one plans, I kill you or let the horde get you, and use your fresh corpse as bait, so I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!"
Anakin gets up, rubbing his nose, but still looks flustered.
"Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-"
"And in the fifty first plan," Cananvi interrupted smugly, "I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you myself!"
"Marikane, you must be pulling my leg," Obi-Wan deadpans.
At this, Marikane pulls out a pistol, aiming it square at Anakin.
"Why do you think I carry these weapons on me at all times, know so many combat arts and practise on Living Dead on Halo Reach so much, while constantly shooting at Anakin? We have to be ready to act on a moment's notice!" He shouts.
"Maybe because we're in a war, and your job is kind of dangerous," Obi-Wan says sarcastically.
Marikane puts the pistol away (to Anakin's relief), looking sheepish.
"Well," he admits, "I guess there is that, but mostly because of the zombies!"
"Guys, with all the problems in the galaxy- Separatists, Recessions, Sith, Global Warming, the IRS, I can't possibly..."
Obi-Wan slowly stops talking as loud moaning sounds are heard from outside. "What's that?" He asks.
Ahsoka looks through a window on her level, jumping in fright as she does, for she sees Cardak, Carter, Jar-Jar and Rex, all moving forward, moaning as they do arms up. "Holy crap!" She screams. "The rest of the Temple's been infected! If anyone's still alive at the end of this, I'll be with Barriss on the Twilight!" She leaps through an air duct as she does, leaving Marikane, Anakin and Obi-Wan in Skywalker's room.
"Hello, Padme!" Anakin shouts as he jumps through a window into Marikane's ship, the Rogue Hawke, and takes off, leaving Marikane running after him.
"Wait, Anakin! I need your delicious meat for most of my plans! Also, you're in my gooram ship!" He yells as the Hawke flies away.
At this, he comes over to Obi-Wan, smiling pleasantly.
"Say, Obi-Wan. You wouldn't mind-"
"No," Kenobi interrupts firmly, before Marikane shrugs.
"Ah well, I'll just grab one of the fat Twi'Lek Senators. They must have some juice," he murmured under his breath as he leaps through the same duct Ahsoka did.
Down with the zombies, the former Rex looks over slightly at Cardak.
"Hey Onsai, how long do we keep this up?" He whispers.
"When they all go into hiding, grab everything not nailed down to the ground and run for the black market venders," Onsali says under his breath.
"Brian, Mesa wants Brian," Jar-Jar says in a long drawl before falling over.
While he picks himself up, Carter hits him on the back of the head.
"Jar-Jar it's brains, not Brian," Rex hisses at the Gungan.
"Sorry! Mesa must have read the script wrong: Moaning, MMOOAANNNING," He drawls, before Carter hits him again.
"Shut up guys, they're gonna hear us, and Marikane may just shoot at us," he says.
Speak of the devil, and Marikane came out, holding a fat Senator in front of him like a security blanket.
"Take him!" He screams. "He's got juicer meat! And I'm harder to swallow!"
How fun it was to write this. I'm surprised how easy it was to fit the Red Vs Blue Universe into the Clone Wars, but I must admit, I did this on a whim.
Anyway, review, PM, etc, just let me know what you think, and this is Gone Rampant, signing out.